and YET she lives on

My opinion of love has changed drastically throughout the years or at least as much as it possibly can throughout a 27 year span.

I remember watching a Disney movie, where the girl is from one parent home and someway somehow she is in need of someone to save her. There goes the the overly done scenario of 99% of Disney movies. A girl (or young boy cub if you think of The Lion King) who desperately needs someone or something to come and save her. She is broken, she is hurt and somewhat incomplete. This enraged me as a strong Latina woman. Why do we need a man to save us? Why couldn’t Jasmine just stick up to her father and not be forced into a marriage she wanted nothing to do with. Why did Ariel have to succumb to her father’s overly protective and close minded rules? Why did Pocahontas have to stay away from another human being just because his kind was unknown? And why the hell did these woman need to be saved by the very men they were forbidden to love.

They painted love as the aftermath of some tragic process, as love could not just possibly happen to a young lady who is living life happily.

When I was younger, I used to dream of magic carpet rides with a man who loved me passionately. So passionately that he would in a blink of an eye jump in front of a bullet to save me. I would even look into the mirror, look into my own eyes and tell myself in a confident inner voice “I am lovable.”

I dreamt of finding someone during my high school years and falling in love. A puppy love story that would end in a young SUCCESSFUL marriage. Where struggles would come and go yet only make us stronger.

Well I went through high school with no relationships and no reciprocated feelings. I even went to prom alone! I thought “well maybe I’ll meet someone at church or college.” The years would go by and yet at every Christmas, New Year, Valentine and Birthday dinner I found myself being single. I was happy, yet there was a pinch of pain that would quickly be masked with a smile every time I was asked “Hey Doris, there’s no one special YET?”

“YET.” As if everyone in my family and inner circle had a certain time in which people were to be paired off for life. YET, as if I had some type of built in radar that would lead me into the direction of someone who would not only be compatible but would passionately love me. YET became my enemy, and it also became my nightmare.

Now at the age of 27, I sit here and the longest committed relationship I have had is with my dog Cuco. It’s going on 2 years strong. I have no other dog, just him, and he has no other owner just me. Though he sometimes has his moments where he ignores my calls and runs into hands of another woman (my mother). I always forgive him and he always comes back 🙂

I had a “fling” once. What a distasteful word. Here’s the truth in my perspective, he was the love of my life YET I was just a fling. It lasted a few months but left me broken and empty. I went from a girl collecting earthly possessions with no care in the world, to diving headfirst into a shallow love whole heartedly…how stupid. His reason for wanting to discontinue whatever it was we had…He loved her, though he was with me. ouch.

“Prettier? Skinnier? More lovable…than me?” thoughts running through my mind as I look into the mirror now with so many haunting questions. I no longer looked in the mirror with confidence but now poked at my flaws.

Wanting to straighten my nappy natural curls, erase my thick eyebrows for thinner ones, plump my lips and suck in my stomach. Painted smile, white teeth, straight hair, painted nails… Oh the torment I put myself in, all in the search for a magic carpet ride that failed to come. The bullet struck me with such an immense force my ribs practically caved in; no one jumped in front of it.

YET the pain was not strong enough to shake the yearning for love. It amazed me how a shattered heart can pour out love as if its never been broken. How a shattered heart can yearn for the very same thing that will challenge it to take risks. Risks that may cause this shattered heart to be demolished. YET this is what it yearns for…to love and be loved. Not for what it may become but for what it already is…

Now I understand that love is not about a magic carpet rides, 3 wishes or a physical change that can make you apart of his world. Disney lied. Yet I understand how a strong Latina can have a few things in common with a princess who just wants to know what is out there. A princess who yearns to change her surrounding for something new. A princess who has been put in situations that has her vulnerable and scared YET she chooses to break boundaries, take chances, even take some risks. Then and only then does YET stop being an enemy, and starts being a word of hope.

Im not there YET
but I will be one day.

and YET she lives on